Tone
Give an engineer a gentle push to make their writing a bit warmer. Pull back a bit on an overeager PM. The key is balance.
Before
This is part of a large parking upgrade project. Part of my work is to help teammates learn how to write better UI. Tone is a tough one for them to pickup. We still get stuff like this—focused on the features.
After
Shifting the focus to the value prop brings clarity and interest.
The next two sections come from a project to redesign the lobby experience across hundreds of buildings.
There's friendly and then there's
too friendly
Part of our guidance to teammates is to make their writing warmer and more friendly. Sometimes they really take it to heart.
Pulling back a little
The tricky part is keeping the intent of your teammate while aligning the text with best practices. We don't want them to get discouraged; after all, we suggested friendly to begin with. Note that most of what they had is still there in a different form.
It's fun today.
What about a year from now?
This is the employee view. Many will be looking at this every day.
Sometimes, you just have to say "No"
It helps to point out that this sort of approach ages poorly.
BTW: this is the left side of a page. There's a graphic on the right side that balances the page.